Hamas have captured a dolphin they claim was equipped with video surveillance equipment to film the training of their navy commandos.
Oh god I love this story. My favourite thing about it is the language used by Hamas.
They claim the dolphin is/was working for Mossad, the Israeli spy agency. Working for. Not being used by but working for Mossad. Like it is some kind of employee. Somewhere this dolphin has a little office, the wall covered with pictures of his family and the all the medals he’s won. He has a little desk with a phone where he receives his orders from headquarters, he get’s dressed up in his little spy gear before swimming off on his surveillance and reconnaissance missions. Sadly he was just one mission away from retirement. He was going to use his pension money to take his family on a round the world tour.
But it gets better, it’s being reported by Palestinian newspaper Al Quds that ‘the commandos became wary when they spotted the dolphin making “suspicious movements”‘. Please please please tell me how a dolphin makes suspicious movements. Was it swimming just on the edge from where they were training, aiming its camera at them? Did they see it talking on its little radio reporting back to Mossad? Was there a chase scene where the dolphin tried to evade capture?
Were they doing their training when one commando was like ‘hey Tim is it me or is that dolphin moving suspiciously?’
‘My god Gary you’re right it is. I think it’s working for Mossad we better capture it’.
Next we’ll learn they tried water-boarding the poor thing for information.
‘He’s not talking Tim. He just keeps making that same annoying sound over and over’.
‘He might be a scouser Gary, let’s trying water-boarding, that’ll get him to talk’.
Now don’t get me wrong animals, even aquatic ones, have been used by militaries in a variety of ways and I wouldn’t be shocked if Mossad, or any other military or spy agency for that matter, had experimented with equipping dolphins with surveillance equipment.
But working for Mossad? Moving suspiciously? Come on guys. Surely you can do better than that? The dolphin isn’t on the payroll. There is no Agent Flipper. This sounds like a really bad Disney film.
The fate of the dolphin is currently unknown. They are probably going to hold him hostage, start making video’s with the dolphin in a tiny little swimming pool while Hamas make their same boring little threats and demands. ‘Do what we say or the dolphin get’s it’. Sounds like an awful Bond villain.
Or maybe Hamas will try brainwashing the dolphin and have it work for them. Turn it into a double agent, attach their own camera to it and send it back to Mossad.
Seriously hopefully the dolphin isn’t dead because that will be kinda sad. Silly terrorists getting so paranoid they start seeing every bit of wildlife as spies.
Source: Sky News