In one of the national rags here in the UK was printed a list of the top 50 things that every ‘real’ man should know, which I takes it means if you are male and don’t know how to do all 50 you aren’t a ‘real’ man, which in turns surely means if you are female and you do know these things then you aren’t a ‘true’ woman either.
It’s a load of sexist nonsense, but a rather amusing list nonetheless, let’s see if I pass.
1. His wedding anniversary date
I’m not married so I don’t have a wedding anniversary date to know/remember.
2. Basic DIY
Would be helpful to know what is meant by basic DIY but I can do quite a bit of DIY. I like building and fixing things so I’m going to count it.
Although I know quite a few women who can do basic DIY. This is something that everyone should know how to do.
3. How to change a light bulb
Well duh. Anyone who lives alone surely knows how to change a light bulb. We have whole jokes based around how easy it is to change a light bulb. For instance:
Q: How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to drive down to London to pick him up.
4. How to tie up a tie
Yep. Here in the UK kids have to wear school uniforms and a tie is a part of that. Ties are part of both boys and girls school uniforms so both sexes should know how to tie them. Or you know just be lazy and never untie it.
5. How to read a map
I got taught this in geography at school. We went to Box Hill and had to navigate about with a map. I also use Google maps a lot to help me find my way about when I move to a new area.
6. His partner’s favourite drink
Don’t have a partner so no favourite that I need to know or remember. Hopefully though she will have good taste and it’ll be something with rum.
7. How to iron a shirt
Yes, but I don’t do it often. Steamers are far more efficient. Or you know take a hot steamy shower and have your shirt hanging up in the bathroom so it gets steamed. Massive time saver.
8. How to change a tyre
Don’t drive and have never owned a car so not a clue. I could probably work it out, but no. I live in London, it costs an arm and a leg to own and run car here and then it costs your first born just to be able to park. Walking and public transport is far easier and cheaper.
9. How to wet shave correctly
Yep. I was never taught how to, but you mess about with the razor and you get it after a while. You end up a bloody mess, literally, but you get their in the end.
10. The right amount of aftershave to use
Surely this one is subjective? Different aftershaves have different strengths, different people like different things, etc. Is there ever a right amount? Also there’s five different’s there.
11. How to change a fuse
Yes, learnt it in school. It is ridiculously easy. Unscrew the plug, open it up, pull the old fuse out, put the new one in, and screw it back together. Well at least in the UK it is, I don’t know about weird foreign plugs.
12. When a woman says ‘I’m fine’ she is not fine
Believe me every guy knows this. We all have that one experience when we are young and this is burnt into us forever.
13. How to put up a shelf
Another easy one. Surely this counts as basic DIY?
14. How to polish his shoes
Yep, again part of having to wear a school uniform is having to wear nice shoes which you need to take care of, which involves cleaning and polishing them.
15. How to give a confident handshake
Firm grip and look them in the eye.
16. How many inches are in a foot
12. Easy. However the imperial system is an outdated mode of measurements, we’ve moved onto the metric system now, which is far superior. So the answer should be what the hell are you talking about?
17. When to accept defeat and apologise
Never and never.
18. Know the offside rule
Yep, Chelsea and England players never are and any player that scores against us is.
19. The year England won the World Cup
1966. Why ‘real’ men in Brazil, the US, Germany etc, are required to know when England won the World Cup is beyond me though.
20. How to do his own laundry
Washing machines and dryers aren’t hard to use. Plus I don’t have the money to keep buying new clothes every time I need to change.
21. How to fix a bike puncture
Bikes cause testicular and prostate cancer. Why would any man want a bike? Also lycra is not a good look.
22. How to jumpstart a car
I said earlier I don’t drive and I don’t own a car so I’ve never needed to learn, making this is another fail for me.
23. How to parallel park
More driving related stuff and way to bring up the sexist stereotype that women can’t park.
24. The difference between ale and lager
Yep, I drink enough of the bloody stuff so I should know.
25. The best way to carve meat
However you like it? Or however you find it easiest? I have my method, it works, its easy, and the meat comes out fine.
26. His own height
So women don’t need to know their own height? I know roughly how tall I am, I don’t measure it daily or anything.
27. How to drive in snow
I don’t drive. I don’t drive in the sun, I don’t drive in the rain, and I don’t drive in the snow. Also I live in London, we don’t get snow.
28. What wires represent earth, live and neutral
Yep. Blue is neutral, green and yellow is earth, and red/brown is live. Simple.
29. How to introduce himself
What the hell does that mean? I know my name if that is what its getting at.
30. His parents’ address
What if they are an orphan? Can’t orphans be ‘real’ men?
31. What the football scores were at the weekend
Depends what time you ask me and whether I’ve had a chance to look. They don’t automatically get downloaded to my brain or anything.
32. How to light a BBQ
If at first it doesn’t light simply add more and more fuel until it does.
33. When a woman says ‘Do what you want’ do not do what you want
Again we all have that one experience that burns this into our minds.
34. How to change oil
35. What the biggest recent football transfers are
‘Real’ men apparently love football. Sorry rugby fans. It also means that any women who like football are more ‘manly’ than men who don’t.
36. How to build a fire
Depends on the resources I have available. With lighters and fuel yes.
37. Which way is north
Just pass me a compass and I can tell you. Failing that I’ve got a one in four chance of guessing correctly.
38. How to use the contents of the toolbox
Yep, I love toolboxes. So many fun things to play with. I was a nightmare as a child around one, but now I’m fairly good at DIY so it paid of I think.
39. How to tune in a telly
Who can’t do this? This is simple. This is honestly one of the most straight forward things there is.
40. How many miles are left after the petrol light appears
Surely this depends on the car?
41. How to fix a toilet
Depends whats wrong with it.
42. How to put someone in a recovery position
This is always a good thing to know. At my school doing a short first aid course was compulsory, although not everyone passed. This is one of those things every school should teach, and not just once in your final year, but every year to make sure you don’t forget it.
43. His personal alcohol limits
Everyone should know this. Not just men. What sexist nonsense.
As for my personal limit, it depends entirely on how drunk I wish to get.
44. Change a battery on a car
I don’t have a car. Never have. Not going to any time soon.
45. How to get a car unstuck
More bloody car stuff. Get it unstuck from what?
However unlike the other car stuff I do actually know this one because I’ve had to help a friend get his car unstuck from mud before.
46. The words to the national anthem
Nope. Don’t care. The UK national anthem is crap, it’s so dull and dreary. Also sod the Queen, monarchies are silly. I say we change the national anthem to Three Lions, in which case I do know the words. That song probably best reflects us, well the English at least.
Pass (if we change to Three Lions)
47. How to change a nappy
Don’t have a kid. I’ve never had to change a nappy thankfully. I know the theory behind but I’ve never put it into practice.
48. How to perform CPR
This was part of my first aid training at school where they also told us never to do it to a random person who needed it because if they survive they might sue you. People suck.
49. How to put up a tent
Depends on the tent. Now yes I am a city boy who has never done any proper camping, but as a kid I did do that thing where you spend a night camping in a tent in your back garden. It was a basic tent but I got it up.
50. Who are favourites to win the Premier League
Yes, Chelsea. Why? Because we have Jose Mourinho.
Also what a big surprise that its another bloody football question. Other sports don’t exist apparently.
I managed to score a ‘manly’ 37 out of 50. Not a bad result. It’s basically just the car stuff that let me down.
I still think it’s a ridiculous list. Apparently it was made up by research commissioned by William Hill.