The top 50 things every ‘real’ man should allegedly ‘know’

In one of the national rags here in the UK was printed a list of the top 50 things that every ‘real’ man should know, which I takes it means if you are male and don’t know how to do all 50 you aren’t a ‘real’ man, which in turns surely means if you are female and you do know these things then you aren’t a ‘true’ woman either.

It’s a load of sexist nonsense, but a rather amusing list nonetheless, let’s see if I pass.

1. His wedding anniversary date

I’m not married so I don’t have a wedding anniversary date to know/remember.

N/A

2. Basic DIY

Would be helpful to know what is meant by basic DIY but I can do quite a bit of DIY. I like building and fixing things so I’m going to count it.

Although I know quite a few women who can do basic DIY. This is something that everyone should know how to do.

Pass

3. How to change a light bulb

Well duh. Anyone who lives alone surely knows how to change a light bulb. We have whole jokes based around how easy it is to change a light bulb. For instance:

Q: How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to drive down to London to pick him up.

Pass

4. How to tie up a tie

Yep. Here in the UK kids have to wear school uniforms and a tie is a part of that. Ties are part of both boys and girls school uniforms so both sexes should know how to tie them. Or you know just be lazy and never untie it.

Pass

5. How to read a map

I got taught this in geography at school. We went to Box Hill and had to navigate about with a map. I also use Google maps a lot to help me find my way about when I move to a new area.

Pass

6. His partner’s favourite drink

Don’t have a partner so no favourite that I need to know or remember. Hopefully though she will have good taste and it’ll be something with rum.

N/A

7. How to iron a shirt

Yes, but I don’t do it often. Steamers are far more efficient. Or you know take a hot steamy shower and have your shirt hanging up in the bathroom so it gets steamed. Massive time saver.

Pass

8. How to change a tyre

Don’t drive and have never owned a car so not a clue. I could probably work it out, but no. I live in London, it costs an arm and a leg to own and run car here and then it costs your first born just to be able to park. Walking and public transport is far easier and cheaper.

Fail

9. How to wet shave correctly

Yep. I was never taught how to, but you mess about with the razor and you get it after a while. You end up a bloody mess, literally, but you get their in the end.

Pass

10. The right amount of aftershave to use

Surely this one is subjective? Different aftershaves have different strengths, different people like different things, etc. Is there ever a right amount? Also there’s five different’s there.

N/A

11. How to change a fuse

Yes, learnt it in school. It is ridiculously easy. Unscrew the plug, open it up, pull the old fuse out, put the new one in, and screw it back together. Well at least in the UK it is, I don’t know about weird foreign plugs.

Pass

12. When a woman says ‘I’m fine’ she is not fine

Believe me every guy knows this. We all have that one experience when we are young and this is burnt into us forever.

Pass

13. How to put up a shelf

Another easy one. Surely this counts as basic DIY?

Pass

14. How to polish his shoes

Yep, again part of having to wear a school uniform is having to wear nice shoes which you need to take care of, which involves cleaning and polishing them.

Pass

15. How to give a confident handshake

Firm grip and look them in the eye.

Pass

16. How many inches are in a foot

12. Easy. However the imperial system is an outdated mode of measurements, we’ve moved onto the metric system now, which is far superior. So the answer should be what the hell are you talking about?

Pass

17. When to accept defeat and apologise

Never and never.

Pass

18. Know the offside rule

Yep, Chelsea and England players never are and any player that scores against us is.

Pass

19. The year England won the World Cup

1966. Why ‘real’ men in Brazil, the US, Germany etc, are required to know when England won the World Cup is beyond me though.

Pass

20. How to do his own laundry

Washing machines and dryers aren’t hard to use. Plus I don’t have the money to keep buying new clothes every time I need to change.

Pass

21. How to fix a bike puncture

Bikes cause testicular and prostate cancer. Why would any man want a bike? Also lycra is not a good look.

Fail

22. How to jumpstart a car

I said earlier I don’t drive and I don’t own a car so I’ve never needed to learn, making this is another fail for me.

Fail

23. How to parallel park

More driving related stuff and way to bring up the sexist stereotype that women can’t park.

Fail

24. The difference between ale and lager

Yep, I drink enough of the bloody stuff so I should know.

Pass

25. The best way to carve meat

However you like it? Or however you find it easiest? I have my method, it works, its easy, and the meat comes out fine.

Pass

26. His own height

So women don’t need to know their own height? I know roughly how tall I am, I don’t measure it daily or anything.

Pass

27. How to drive in snow

I don’t drive. I don’t drive in the sun, I don’t drive in the rain, and I don’t drive in the snow. Also I live in London, we don’t get snow.

Fail

28. What wires represent earth, live and neutral

Yep. Blue is neutral, green and yellow is earth, and red/brown is live. Simple.

Pass

29. How to introduce himself

What the hell does that mean? I know my name if that is what its getting at.

Pass

30. His parents’ address

What if they are an orphan? Can’t orphans be ‘real’ men?

Pass

31. What the football scores were at the weekend

Depends what time you ask me and whether I’ve had a chance to look. They don’t automatically get downloaded to my brain or anything.

Pass

32. How to light a BBQ

If at first it doesn’t light simply add more and more fuel until it does.

Pass

33. When a woman says ‘Do what you want’ do not do what you want

Again we all have that one experience that burns this into our minds.

Pass

34. How to change oil

What oil?

Fail

35. What the biggest recent football transfers are

‘Real’ men apparently love football. Sorry rugby fans. It also means that any women who like football are more ‘manly’ than men who don’t.

Pass

36. How to build a fire

Depends on the resources I have available. With lighters and fuel yes.

Pass

37. Which way is north

Just pass me a compass and I can tell you. Failing that I’ve got a one in four chance of guessing correctly.

Pass

38. How to use the contents of the toolbox

Yep, I love toolboxes. So many fun things to play with. I was a nightmare as a child around one, but now I’m fairly good at DIY so it paid of I think.

Pass

39. How to tune in a telly

Who can’t do this? This is simple. This is honestly one of the most straight forward things there is.

Pass

40. How many miles are left after the petrol light appears

Surely this depends on the car?

Fail

41. How to fix a toilet

Depends whats wrong with it.

N/A

42. How to put someone in a recovery position

This is always a good thing to know. At my school doing a short first aid course was compulsory, although not everyone passed. This is one of those things every school should teach, and not just once in your final year, but every year to make sure you don’t forget it.

Pass

43. His personal alcohol limits

Everyone should know this. Not just men. What sexist nonsense.

As for my personal limit, it depends entirely on how drunk I wish to get.

Pass

44. Change a battery on a car

I don’t have a car. Never have. Not going to any time soon.

Fail

45. How to get a car unstuck

More bloody car stuff. Get it unstuck from what?

However unlike the other car stuff I do actually know this one because I’ve had to help a friend get his car unstuck from mud before.

Pass

46. The words to the national anthem

Nope. Don’t care. The UK national anthem is crap, it’s so dull and dreary. Also sod the Queen, monarchies are silly. I say we change the national anthem to Three Lions, in which case I do know the words. That song probably best reflects us, well the English at least.

Pass (if we change to Three Lions)

47. How to change a nappy

Don’t have a kid. I’ve never had to change a nappy thankfully. I know the theory behind but I’ve never put it into practice.

Maybe

48. How to perform CPR

This was part of my first aid training at school where they also told us never to do it to a random person who needed it because if they survive they might sue you. People suck.

Pass

49. How to put up a tent

Depends on the tent. Now yes I am a city boy who has never done any proper camping, but as a kid I did do that thing where you spend a night camping in a tent in your back garden. It was a basic tent but I got it up.

Pass

50. Who are favourites to win the Premier League

Yes, Chelsea. Why? Because we have Jose Mourinho.

Also what a big surprise that its another bloody football question. Other sports don’t exist apparently.

Pass

I managed to score a ‘manly’ 37 out of 50. Not a bad result. It’s basically just the car stuff that let me down.

I still think it’s a ridiculous list. Apparently it was made up by research commissioned by William Hill.

 

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